
THE COON REHEARSAL 




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THE COON REHEARSAL 

A. JfTarrp i« ©«« Art 



By JOSEPH H. SLATER 

AUTHOR OF PETER PIPER'S TROUBLES, MR. RICH FROM RICHMOND, 
ETC., ETC. 



Copyright 1915 by Dick & Fitzgerald 



"^ 



NEW YORK 
DICK & FITZGERALD 

18 Ann Street 









THE COON REHEARSAL. 



CHARACTERS. 

Theophilus Ticklebat Cranberry, Ambitious dramatic author 

Erastus Sassafras Negro, out of a job 

Ghost By himself 

Time of Playing. — About forty minutes. 

COSTUNES AND CHARACTERISTICS. 

Theophilus. Tall and lanky; wears a frock-coat, light col- 
ored trousers, bow tie, high silk hat, spats ; the whole effect be- 
ing quite shabby and worse for wear. 

Erastus. An ignorant and unpolished negro ; wears any con- 
venient, exaggerated, well worn suit, if trousers or coat do not 
fit the effect is increased. 

INCIDENTAL PROPERTIES. 

Bill and valise for Erastus. Watch for Theophilus. 

STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

As seen by a per/ormer on the stage facing the audience, R. 
means right hand; t., left hand ; c, center of stage; l. c, left of 
center ; d. l., door at left ; d. r., door at right. Up means to- 
ward back of stage ; down, toward footlights. 



THP^6-Oj7200 



5CI.D 41403 

^"2 3 /9,5 



THE COON REHEARSAL. 



SCENE. — Plain room. Door r. which is left open, and door l. 
Table c. with writing material, manuscript, etc. Chairs R. 
and L. of table. DISCOVERED Theophilus l. of table, 
writing. 

Theophilus {writing). There, I think I have at last written 
what ought to be a very successful play. I must now make all 
necessary preparations to have it presented in a proper manner, 
to the fickle public. If it proves a success, my fortune is made. 
(Knock D. L.) Come in. 

ENTER D. L. Erastus carrying valise. 

Erastus. I is in. 

Theophilus. And now that you are in, what can I do for 
you? 

Erastus. Is the boss in? 

Theophilus. Yes, sir, the boss is in. 

Erastus. Is you the boss? 

Theophilus. Yes, sir, I'm the boss. 

Erastus. Is you in? 

Theophilus. Why of course I'm in. Can't you see for your- 
self? Now sir, what do you want? 

Erastus {starts towards door). I wants to go out again. 

Theophilus. Stay one moment, I want to know your busi- 



Erastus. My business is none of your business, good even- 
ing. {Starts towards d. l.) 

Theophilus {detaining him). You shall not go until you 
tell me what you want here, sir. 

Erastus. Well, boss, I wants to catch a train. 

Theophilus. Indeed, and what would you do with the train 
after you've caught it? 

Erastus. I wants to board it, that's all, boss. Can you tell 

3 



4 The Coon Eehearsal. 

me what time the three-sixty Pullman Palace Gravel train 
leaves the depot? 

Theophilus. Why, at three-sixty, to be sure. 

Bbastus. Dat's all I want to know. Good evening. (Starts 
toivard d. l.) On second thoughts, I guess I won't go. 

Theophilus. No? 

Ebastus. No, dey'll hold de train over till morning. I don't 
like traveling at night. 

Theophilus. Indeed, and why not? 

Ebastus. Too many of dose train robbers. So if you have 
no objection, I'll stop here all night. I see by the sign outside 
dat you have rooms to let. (Puts doivn valise) 

Theophilus. I have, but they come high. 

Erastus. Is it on de top floor boss? 

Theophilus. I mean the price comes high. 

Erastus. How high does it come? 

Theophilus. Five dollars per night. 

Erastus. Den bring it down and let me see it. 

Theophilus. I'd like to oblige you, but that's impossible as 
I don't perform miracles. By the way, I'm particular as to 
whom I take as a lodger, I must know who you are and what 
your name is. 

Erastus. My name is Erastus Adolphus Augustus Edgerton 
Sassasfras, and as I am somewhat particular who I lodge with, 
I must know your name. 

Theophilus. My name is Theophilus Ticklebat Cranberry. • 

Erastus. Any relation to raspberry, boss? 

Theophilus. None whatever. What else are you? 

Ebastus. I'se a gentleman by birth, a musician by education 
and inclination. I play the " Umpa " in the band. 

Theophilus. The '* Umpa." I don't believe I ever heard of 
that instrument. 

Erastus. When de cornet man goes (Imitates cornet notes) 
dis goes *' Umpa, Umpa." 

Theophilus. Oh, I think I do understand you now. You 
mean the trombone. 

Erastus. Dat's it, boss. Some folks who am not gentlemen 
neither by birth nor breeding calls me a wind-jammer, dat 
makes me fight worse dan Jersey lightning. I came down here 
to play for a funeral; but the corpse ain't quite ready yet so 
I've got to hang around here till he dies. 

Theophilus. On second thoughts, you can have the room for 
five dollars. I would not rent it so cheap only I want money 
bad. 



The Coon Rehearsal. 6 

Erastus. Why didn't you tell me you was dead broke? 
(Gives Mil) Here you is, boss. 

Theophilus. One moment, my colored friend, this bill is 
bogus, counterfeit. 

Eeastus. What kind of fit? 

Theophilus. In plain language, this money is bad. 

Erastus. Dat's all right, boss, didn't you just now say dat 
you wanted money bad? 

Theophilus. This is a Confederate bill. 

Erastus. Well, take it over to (Anp locoA town) and 

you'll pass it there, they don't know the war is over yet. 
Speaking of dat town I think dey have some of de bravest 
girls in dat town I ever heard of. 

Theophilus. Indeed and what makes you think that the 

young ladies of {Local town) are braver than those of any 

other town, this town for instance? 

Erastus. Well, sir, de oder night in de middle of de night 
about 12 or 13 o'clock, a young woman discovered a burglar in 
de house. Now what did she do, she didn't scream or go into 
high-stirrups, no sir, what do you think she done did? 

Theophilus. I'm sure I can't imagine. 

Erastus. Of course you can't, dat's de reason I'm going to 
tell you. She quietly dressed herself, put on her rat first and 
then her hat 

Theophilus. You mean she put on her hat. 

Erastus. Went out and got a policeman and caught de 
burglar. Now what do you think of dat for bravery? 

Theophilus. Oh, that's nothing to boast of. I'm sure there 
are young ladies right here in Greenville equally as brave and 
who would have done the same thing under similar circum- 
stances. 

Erastus. What, go out at 12 o'clock at night to find a 
policeman? 

Theophilus. Most certainly. 

Erastus. No sir, they would not. 

Theophilus. And why not? 

Erastus. Now where could you find a policeman in this 
town at 12 o'clock at night? 

Theophilus {aside). This is a very eccentric individual, 
perhaps he could help me out of my present difliculty and re- 
hearse my drama. {Aloud) Erastus Sassafras. 

Erastus. Dat's me, boss. 

Theophilus. Have you ever been on the stage. 

Erastus. Yes, boss; I drove a stage for five years. 



6 The Coon Rehearsal. 

Theophilus. I don't mean that kind of a stage. I mean have 
you ever trod the boards? 

Erastus. Yes, boss, I slept in a lumber yard last night. 

Theophilus. ' You still don't understand me. Have you ever 
made a speech in public? 

Erastus. Oh yes. 

Theophilus. What was it? 

Erastus. It was a short speech " Not Guilty." 

Theophilus. And what did you get? 

Erastus. Six months. If I had said " Guilty " I'd have got 
six years. 

Theophilus. Now I may let you into a secret ; I have writ- 
ten a play and I want you to assist me in rehearsing it. 

Erastus. No, boss, you don't get me into no hearse. 

Theophilus. I mean to practice up a bit so as to become 
familiar with the play. I call my play "The Returned Cali- 
fornian; or. Why did he wander from his own fire-side?" 

Erastus. I wrote a drama myself once, quite a sucess too. 

Theophilus. Indeed — did it have a long run? 

Erastus. Yes, we had about twenty-five miles of a run from 
the last town and the natives after us with four bloodhounds. 
We gave dem a run for their money. 

Theophilus. That was too bad. Now, I shall be the Cali- 
fornian and you are the robber. 

Erastus. Don't you call me no robber. ( Chases Theophilus 
around stage) I'll take my razor at you. I may be a nigger, 
but I ain't no robber. 

Theophilus. Calm yourself, Erastus. This is only supposi- 
tion. 

Erastus. Oh, dis is soup in de kitchen. 

Theophilus. No, no, this is all in the play. Now you must 
first conceal yourself in ambush. 

Erastus. Congeal myself in a sandwich? 

Theophilus. No, no, hide yourself in yonder gooseberry bush 
{Points off R.) and when I give you the cue — 

Erastus. I ain't no Chinaman. Cue, say boss, are you going 
to play billards? 

Theophilus. No, no, I mean the cue-word. That means the 
word when you commence to speak. You are to come on and 
say " Oh, kind sir, in yonder hut I have a sick wife and four- 
teen starving children.'" 

Erastus. Oh you go along I ain't got no fourteen starving 
kids and a sick wife. 



The Coon Rehearsal. 7 

Theophilus. I know you haven't but this is the play, you 
understand. 

Erastus. Oh, it's in the play, that's different, den it's all 
right. Just tell me once more what I'm to say. 

Theophilus. Certainly, but you must wait until I have 
finished my speech then you enter and make your speech. 

Ebastus. I see, boss, when you have done I take the floor. 

Theophilus. Exactly. Now go and hide. (Pushes him to- 
wards R. Ebastus takes off his hat as if flirting tcith some- 
hody off R. Crosses to l. c, turning his hack to Ebastus). 
" After fourteen long years of weary wandering in distant 
lands I have returned to my dear old home. Ah, a stranger 
approaches, he may be a robber. I will conceal my little all." 
(Pauses. Snaps fingers at Erastus) "I will conceal my little 
all." That's you, that's you. 

Ebastus. I don't see no little awl. (Approaching) Say, 
boss, is you a shoe-maker? 

Theophilus. You idiot, that's your cue. 

Erastus. Oh, that's where I'm to spoke the speech; well, 
what am I to say when I say it? 

Theophilus. Haven't I told you already what to say? You 
enter and say " In yonder hut I bive a sick wife and fourteen 
starving children. Please, good, kind sir, give me some aid." 
Now then, try it for the last time. (Crosses to l.) 

Ebastus (tips hat to someone off e.) Ah there, I see you're 
on the fly. 

Theophilus. To whom are you speaking? 

Ebastus. Excuse me, boss, I saw a flock of chickens fly by 
and I thought I'd tip my hat to Nellie. 

Theophilus. Never mind tipping your hat to Nellie, but 
remember your cue when you hear it. 

Ebastus. I'm sure to remember if I don't forget, boss, go 
ahead. 

Theophilus (repeats speech). "After fourteen years," etc., 
etc. That's your cue, man. 

Ebastus (turns to Theophilus). Oh you dear, kind, soft- 
hearted, soft-headed, old fossil. In yoDder brownstone man- 
sion, I have fourteen wives and one starving kid. Please 
give me some aid and if you're all out of aid give me some 
lemonade or some strawberry shortcake and a cheese sand- 
wich. 

Theophilus. Lemonade and strawberry shortcake. (Throws 
him down) You'll never make an actor in all your life. Get 



8 The Coon Behearsal. 

a chair and come here and sit down beside me. I want to tell 
you a story. (Brings chair down stage, sits b. c.) 

Erastus. Say, boss, is it funny enough for two? {Brings 
chair down stage, sits l. c.) 

Theophilus. You shall judge for yourself. This is a true 
story, it concerns this very house. It is a ghost story. 

Erastus {trembling). Ghostesses in dis here house, boss? 

Theophilus. Yes, this house is said to be haunted. It is 
rumored that every night at twelve o'clock a ghost walks to and 
fro in this room. 

Erastus {business of being nervous). You say he walks in 
dis room two by four. Say boss, what time am it now? 

Theophilus {looking at watch). It is now ten minutes to 
twelve. 

Erastus {rising). Well boss, you'll excuse me, I'se just got 
ten minutes to catch dat Pullman Palace cattle train. 

Theophilus {detaining him). Oh man, don't go; sit down 
and listen to the story. 

Erastus. Some other time, boss; I'll come back next Circus 
day. I have an appointment with a Swiss cheese sandwich, so 
I'll have to say Olive Oil. 

Theophilus {forcing him into chair) Sit down man, you'll 
be too late for that train anyway. You must hear this story be- 
fore you go. 

Erastus. My family physician told me never to listen to 
ghost stories late at night, boss, as it gave me indigestion of the 
solar plexus. You said it was ten to twelve by your watch, 
boss. 

Theophilus. What if I did ; my watch goes slow. 

Erastus. So do I, boss, and I'll have just time to catch dat 
train. {Starts again) 

Theophilus {detaining him). No, I insist you remain and 
keep me company, surely you would not be so inhospitable. 

Erastus. No, boss, I don't want to be in a hospital. I wants 
to catch that train before it starts. My side-door sleeper will 
be ready for me. 

Theophilus. I have heard that your train is four hours late, 
so you'll have plenty of time to hear my story. (Erastus sits 
down, looks nervously around) 

Theophilus. Well, once upon a time, say about one thousand 
years ago. 

Erastus. Say, boss, where were you then? 

Theophilus. Please don't interrupt me. As 1 said before, 
about one thousand years ago. 



The Coon Rehearsal. 9 

Erastus. That's two thousand, boss. 

Theohpilus. There lived in this house a certain old miser. 
Of course you know what a miser is. 

Erastus. Yes, boss, a miser is a man what catches -mice. 

Theophilus. No such a thing. 

Eeastus. No, then he catches rats. 

Theophilus. Nonsense, doubtless you are thinking of a 
mouser, a cat. A miser is a man who hoards up his gold. 

Erastus. I know what a miser is now, boss. He is an old 
skinflint. When he gets a nickel he puts it in his pocket and 
says, ah there, stay there. 

Theophilus. That definition will do very well. 

Erastus. In that case I'll never be a miser, boss. 

Theophilus. Indeed, and why? 

Erastus. Because I'll never have the nickel to put in my 
pocket. 

Theophilus. Well, to continue my story, the old miser had 
one beautiful daughter. 

Erastus. You don't say? 

Theophilus. But I do say. Her name was Arabella. 

Erastus. She was all right for a rainy day, boss. 

Theophilus. Who was all right for a rainy day? 

Erastus. Umbrella. 

Theophilus. No one said a word about an umbrella. I said 
that the young lady's name was Arabella. She fell desperately 
in love with a poor young man. 

Erastus. You don't say. 

Theophilus. But I do say. Why do you say "you don't 
say" when I do say? 

Erastus. I won't say you don't say when you do say any 
more, boss. 

Theophilus. Well, one dark and dreary night two bloody 
assassins entered the house. 

Erastus. I'll never eat another as long as I live. 

Theophilus. Eat another what? 

Erastus. Bologna sausage, boss. 

Theophilus. I didn't say a word about sausages. I said two 
bloody assassasins, that means two cold blooded murderers, en- 
tered the house — one was armed with a dirk knife. 

Erastus. A dirty knife. 

Theophilus. A dagger with which he killed the old man. He 
cut his throat from ear to ear. 

Erastus. Did it hurt him? 

Theophilus. Did it hurt him? Why, it killed him. 



10 The Coon Rehearsal. 

Eeastus. Did he die? 

Theophilus. You stupid idiot, haven't I just told you that it 
killed him? 

Erasttjs. I bet it made him mad, when it killed him. 

Theophilus. I presume so. Every night since that terrible 
tragedy, his ghost wanders through this house at twelve 
o'clock. 

Erastus. Say, boss, what time am it now? 

Theophilus {looking at watch). Five minutes to twelve. 

Erastus. Say, boss, I've just got five minutes to catch dat 
train. (Rising) 

Theophilus (detaining him). Nonsense don't go now. I'm 
beginning to like your company. 

Erastus. Yes, boss, but I don't like de company of ghost- 



Theophilus. Sit down and make yourself at home. (Sits b. 
Erastus sits l.) 

Erastus. I wish I was at home, boss. 

Theophilus. Let us drive dull care away by singing a verse 
of a song. Do you sing tenor? 

Erastus. I sing ten or eleven — I forget which — I lost my 
voice cooling soup. 

Theophilus. Well, you can join in the chorus. 

Erastus. All right, boss, I'll be a chorus lady. 

Theophilus (singing). " At twelve o'clock and sometimes at 
one, a spirit appears that will strike you dumb" (Chorus) 
" Oh, the old jaw-bone that hung on de wall." 

ENTER ghost d. l. picks up Erastus' satchel, EXITS d. l. 

Erastus (looking around, misses satchel. Jumps up). Say, 
boss, he's got it. 

Theophilus. Who's got it? 

Erastus. Old Jaw Bones has got the grip. 

Theophilus. Nonsense, man, it's imagination. 

Erastus. No, it ain't Madge Mason — it was old Jaw Bones. 
I saw him disappear in a blue flame. He had horns on him 
fourteen yards long. 

Theophilus. Probably it was the night clerk who came in 
and took it down to the office to put in the safe. 

Erastus. Boss, it was safe enough where it was. 

Theophilus. Sit down and we shall sing the second verse 
which runs the same as the first. (Both sing as before) 



The Coon Rehearsal. 11 

During song ENTER Ghost d. l., slaps Erastus on cheek and 
EXITS quickly d. l. 

Erastus (jumps up; indignantly). Now see here, boss. I'se 
only a poor nigger, but I don't allow no white man to hit me in 
the jaw with an axe when my head is turned. 

Theophilus (rises). Calm yourself, my colored friend, I 
didn't strike you, it was only imagination. 

Erastus. Golly, Madge Mason must carry an axe. 

Theophilus. Let us sing the chorus of the third verse which 
is the same as the others. 

Erastus. Since they're all the same, boss, we might as well 
sing the first one all over again. (Both sing as 'before.) 

ENTER Ghost d. e., slaps Theophilus on cheek and EXITS 
quickly d. b. 

Theophilus (jumps up). Now see here, I don't allow any 
nigger to strike me when my face is turned. You hear, I shan't 
stand it. 

Erastus (rises). Boss, I never did done it. I bet it was dat 
same Madge Mason dot soaked me in de jaw and stole my 
grip. We must lay for her de very next time she comes in here. 
Boss, sit down and let us sing dat song again. (Erastus and 
Theophilus sit with their hacks turned toward d. r. Ghost 
ENTERS from d. r., taps Theophilus on shoulders, points off R. 
Theophilus quietly rises, unseen hy BIrastus, sneaks off d. r. 
Ghost sits down in Theophilus' place. He places his legs upon 
Erastus' knees) Say, boss, why don't you sing dat song, " Oh 
de old Jaw-bone dat hangs on de wall." Boss, you must be go- 
ing to sleep, my knees ain't no door-mat for you to wipe your 
feet on. (Turning slowly around sees ghost) Oh Lor! De old 
Jaw Bones. (Ghost stands up on rung of chair, thus making 
himself look tall. As Erastus tries to sneak off Ghost jumps 
on his back. Erastus runs off screaming) Oh boss, boss, old 
Jaw-Bones. 

CURTAIN. 



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MILITARY PLAYS 

25 CENTS EACH 

M. P. 

BY THE ENEMY'S HAND. 4Acts;2hour8 10 4 

ED\VARDS, THE SPY. 5 Acts; 2]^ hours 10 4 

PRISONER OF ANDERSON VILLE. 4 Acts; 2J4 hours. 10 4 

CAPTAIN DICK. 3 Acts; 1}^ hours 9 6 

ISABEL, THE PEARL. OF CUBA. 4 Acts; 2 hours 9 3 

LITTLE SAVAGE. 3 Acts; 2 hours; I Stage Setting 4 4 

BY FORCE OF IMPULSE. (15 cents.) 5 Acts; 2)4 hours 9 3 

BETWEEN TWO FIRES. (15 cents.) 3 Acts; 2 hours 8 3 




RURAL PLAYS 

25 CENTS EACH 

MAN FROM MAINE. 5 Acts; 214 hours 9 3 

AMONG THE BERKSHIRES. 3 Acts; 214 hours 8 4 

OAK FARM. 3 Acts; 23^ hours; 1 Stage Setting 7 4 

GREAT TVINTERSON MINE. 3 Acts; 2 hours.... 6 4 

SQUIRE THOMPKINS' DAUGHTER. 5 Acts; 2]4 hours 5 2 

WHEN A MAN'S SINGLE. 3 Acts; 2 hours 4 4 

FROM PUNKIN RIDGE. (15 cents.) 1 Act; 1 hour. . . 6 3 

LETTER FROM HOME. (16 cents.) 1 Act; 25 minutes 1 1 



ENTERTAINMENTS 

25 CENTS EACH 

AUNT DINAH'S QUILTING PARTY. 1 Scene 5 "t 

BACHELOR MAIDS' REUNION. 1 Scene - ^30 

IN THE FERRY HOUSE. 1 Scene; li^ hours 19 15 

JAPANESE WEDDING. 1 Scene; 1 hour 3 10 

MATRIMONIAL EXCHANGE. 2Act8;2homs 6 9 

OLD PLANTATION NIGHT. 1 Scene; 1^^ hours 4 4 

YE VILLAGE SKEWL OF LONG AGO. 1 Scene. 13 12 

FAMILIAR FACES OF A FUNNY FAMILY 8 11 

.TOLLY BACHELORS. Motion Song or Recitation 11 

CHRISTMAS MEDLEY. 30 minutes IB 14 

EASTER TIDINGS. 20 minutes 8 

BUNCH OF ROSES. (15 cents.) 1 Act; 1^ hours 1 13 

OVER THE GARDEN T\^ALL. (15 cents) H 8 



DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, 18 Ann Street, N.Y. 



COMEDIES AND 

25 CENTS EA 

4 Acts; 2 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 

mii 



016 103 761 8 

6 



BREAKING HIS BONDS. 

BUTTERNUT'S BRIDE. 3Act8;^hour8 11 

COLLEGE CHUMS. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting ^. 9 3 

COUNT OP NO ACCOUNT. 3 Acts; 2^ hours 9 4 

DEACON. 5 Acts; 21^ hours 8 6 

DELEGATES FROM DENVER. 2 Acts; 45 minutes 3 10 

DOCTOR BY COURTESY. 3Acts;2hours 6 5 

EASTSIDERS, The. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting 8 4 

ESCAPED FROM THE LAW. 5 Acts; 2 hours 7 4 

GIRL FROM PORTO RICO. 3 Acts; 2^^ hours 5 3 

GYPSY QUEEN. 4 Acts; 2i^ hours 5 3 

IN THE ABSENCE OF SUSAN. 3 Acts; 1^ hours 4 6 

JAILBIRD. 5 Acts; 21^ hours 6 3 

JOSIAH'S COURTSHIP. 4Act8;2hours 7 4 

MY LADY DARRELL. 4 Acts; 2}^ hours 9 6 

MY UNCLE FROM INDIA. 4 Acts; 2^ hours ..13 4 

NEXT DOOR. 3 Acts; 2 Iiours 5 4 

PHYLLIS'S INHERITANCE. 3 Acts; 2 hours 6 9 

REGULAR FLIRT. 8 Acts; 2 hours 4 4 

ROGUE'S LUCK. 3 Acts; 2 hours 5 3 

SQUIRE'S STRATAGEM. 5 Acts ; 2i^ hours 6 4 

STEEL KING. 4 Acts; 2i^ hours 5 3 

WHAT'S NEXT? 3 Acts; 2J4 hours 7 4 

WHITE LIE. 4 Acts; 2J^ hours 4 8 

WESTERN PLAYS 

25 CENTS EACH 

ROCKY FORD. 4Acts;2hours 8 3 

GOLDEN GULCH. 3 Acts; 2J4 hours .11 3 

RED ROSETTE. 3Act8;2hours 6 3 

MISS MOSHER OF COLORADO. 4 Acts; 2i^ hours .. . 5 8 

STUBBORN MOTOR CAR. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting 7 4 

CRAWFORD'S CLAIM. (15 cents.) 3 Acts; 214 hours. 9 3 



DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, 18 Ann Street, N. Y. 



